Tuesday, June 9, 2015

An Unrealistic Dream

Hope. Hope is what I had when I had a dream, a dream I could see you become the man I know you were intended to be, and still, the man I know God wanted you to become, and knew you'd eventually be, because I had an indescribable faith in you. My hope was you could see the vision I carried or that somehow you could find yourself relating to it too. I could see so much potential, promise, success, so much goodness--it was almost as if the man I could see was already there, hoping you would have seen him too. The motivation, persistence and progression was nearly overwhelming. All the insecurities, the doubtfulness and dis-encouragements were completely out of sight, out of touch--no where to be found in the lake of positive possibilities. In this dream, all the past hurts, the wounds were far from us, too distant for us to know they ever existed. You began to believe in the unbelievable. I showed you a glimpse of how wonderful life could be and you allowed me to come into your sacred world and you opened up to me like no other. You see, I had this magical dream that somehow I could change you, change me, change us, for us. But then I woke up. I woke up to see you were no-longer there next to me, to share the dream, to bring the dream into reality. I realized you would've never recognized the person I had faith in. Perhaps you weren't ready to become the man you ought to be--the vision was overpowering. The faith I had in us would be, we would eventually become the 'we' we were made for and/or meant to be. No point in settling for a man in my dreams I could never come to see, meet, in this lifetime--a dream that would never come true. I learned I had to change my feelings towards you, the way I felt, all of this inside, this image I had of you, instead I decided it was time to let go and move on, not for you, but to set myself free from an unrealistic dream--a dream only I could see or ever dream of.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

I Am So Sorry...

sorry if i hurt you....

sorry if you didn't like the things i said or did

sorry if with you i always seem to put up a fight
sorry if i didn't do everything right
sorry for sometimes being far from an angel

sorry if i made too many excuses, or maybe even for a small lie
sorry if it was sometimes too difficult for quitting my vice
sorry if i wasn't too understanding of your truth, and some of your lies
sorry that my being too nice wasn't kind enough at times.
sorry for the headaches and pain, along with some tides
sorry if at times i found it hard for me to swallow my pride
sorry if i was often too blinded by anger to see your side

sorry if at times i was complicated
sorry for sometimes making you feel so frustrated
sorry i couldn't, or am not able to fight back the tears
sorry if i almost kept you away from all of your peers

sorry if i always complained about you not meeting all my expectations
sorry if at times i couldn't fight those temptations
sorry if i seemed like a joke to you
sorry if i didn't appreciate all those sweet nothings...
sorry for the things you did and were willing to do
sorry if i kept on repeating the same mistakes
sorry for saying some stupid things and for not finding the breaks
sorry i made you mad or ruined your day when mine was bad

sorry i brought the devil out of you
sorry if i screwed up being perfect for you
sorry i could never be the woman right for you
sorry if i was such an unpredictable human
sorry for not being successful at being your best friend.

sorry if my love was too strong to take in
sorry if i may have lacked meekness and instead was self seeking..
sorry if i couldn't surrender my whole being.
sorry if i couldn't help but see right through you.
sorry for not allowing you to insult my intelligence
sorry if you couldn't handle my elegance, instead you gave me negligence.. 

p.s. I'm not sorry for still loving you...

So sorry, please forgive me.


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

You Sure Can't Stay Here...

I don't understand why I get so emotionally drawn, involved and/or attached, nor can I explain why God gave me a heart like this, but He did, and there's nothing I can do to change it nor will I. Right here and now, at this point in my life where I can finally say, after so many years, I can now say I'm more happier now than I've ever been with who I am and what my life is all about in general. I've worked and am working extremely hard to keep myself well centered and grounded. As difficult and hard as it's been to get to where I am now, I will not allow anything or anyone be a negative influence in and over my life ever again. I cannot give to much of what I have to offer carelessly, and I don't intend to stop giving at any cost, however, if I'm not receiving back of what I'm willing to give and more, at some point this woman will step away, move around, and simply say, no more. There are some people, leeches that will take, and take, and take until they've completely drained you out, and sucked you dry, and won't stop until they see you almost lifeless. That being said; I will release those who've completely drained me out to the core, who are unappreciative of all that I've got to give. I hope nothing but the best for them and their continual journey. No-one deserves bad, negative vibes thrown at them, or intentionally given, and I'm definitely one who does not desire that nor tolerate such behavior. Although, we may have crossed paths for some reason or another, either way, I will cut bad ties that bind, and with the hopes that either of us learned something from the other--that there, is surely something to be grateful and thankful for, however. It's none of my business where you go from here, but you sure can't stay here. May life treat you right, may love find you always, may light surround you, and may God bless you in all. This is my life to live, my responsibility to maintain it, care for, love and nourish it, and make certain that I continue on regardless of any and all current situations and/or circumstances--moving forward, gracefully, as I should. There are no ties that bind too hard for me to untie, cut and release. I have the power to tie, bind, and unleash a bond at any time, and strong enough to keep it as long as I will allow to have it however I want it. 

Love & Light with a whole lot of Sugar & Spice---letting the spice of love and life flow, always; Follow your bliss....

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

'I Need You Because I Love You'

He asked; "what do you want?" At the time I tried to express it out the best I could, and maybe I did but not clearly enough to where he could hear me nor understand my interpretation thereof, however.

This is my answer for you now, and I hope it's crystal clear and in a way you may understand and take it all in. (And as I write this, I write this not only for you, but for others to have a clear understanding as well--whomever this reaches--ultimately, who God intended it for.)

I'm not sure if you're still interested in knowing--maybe you are, maybe not, I don't know, but since you really wanted to know then, and to eliminate any and all confusion and/or misunderstandings, please allow me to

elaborate and give a brief description and/or explanation:

In this day and age I've come to realize when asking a man what he can bring to the table is not so much financially because I've always been a woman who held her self up in all aspects, that's not to say I wouldn't mind having a companion to share life with cause clearly that is the ultimate goal of any respectful and honest woman. And please, let me correct you before you jump to any conclusions as to what I mean when I say "what do you have to bring to the table?" Is it money you may be asking yourself? No, it's so much more deeper than that. I'm in dire need of more.

I need a man who is willing to strive for excellence in every area of his life. Striving for excellence in everything he does or is placed in his possession. Excellence in his spiritual and mental life because I need someone who can draw me closer to God and not pull me away from Him. Someone who will be equally yoked with me--believers being with unequally yoked unbelievers or not walking nor being guided by the Holy Spirit is only calling out for an disruptive, corrupted and full of malice relationship. And I need some one who can challenge me mentally for knowledgeable growth, who can stimulate my mind through a profound and provoked conversation. Who understands striving for financial excellence is of significance, not because I'm a gold digger but because I'm your queen and it's your responsibility not to be a burden to me in any way shape or form. Someone who's eyes were made for me, his lips were made to kiss mine, his heart to beat for me, who needed me like he needs the air to breath. Someone who would be hopelessly devoted to me.

Someone who is sensitive enough to understand my weaknesses and my feminism and how sometimes I can be so highly emotionally sensitive, yet keep me well grounded. Someone with stability and who believes strongly in himself. Someone who's consistent, and slow to anger. 

One who has integrity in the foundation we have to build together as one for a firm and steadfast relationship. Someone I can grow with. A man who plays games and lies habitually is not my idea of a strong firm man. I need a family orientated man. A leader, a victorious man of God serving Him in pure excellence with the purpose God has for His life and the people He holds him responsible for and has entrusted him with. I won't have to worry about him being unfaithful or untruthful because knowing he has the fear of God in him will suffice. 

Someone I can respect. I cannot be submissive to a man who is not taking care of business, I must first respect him before I can be totally and completely submissive unto him; he must be worthy. He will find me or I will be found again. I never look for him because I know he'll find me. He'll find himself in me. Recognize immediately that I am his, I am the one. The connection may be unexplained but he'll always be drawn to me. God created woman to be his help-mate, but I can't help a man who won't help himself first. This may seem like a lot, and as surely I've clearly expressed it all here and am fully aware it is asking for quiet a bit but I am worth it all, and I am worth it. I truly hope this finds you well, dear, however, not limited.

And through all this; It's not because I'm picky, it's because I know clearly what I need and what I do not want.

'I need you because I love you'

I tremble at the thought of your touch that comes over me like thunder, rain falling over my skin so tenderly. I savor my lips imaging the sweet taste of you, how could I ever forget such magical showers that showered my mind, body and soul. You came and swept me away, took my heart and filled it with so much passion, brought me back to life, a life I thought had passed me by. Where did it go...blue.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Willingness To Change

There are those who are willing to work things out, those who are too comfortable in their current state, then you have those who will never consider change; they're afraid of change because change requires a mass amount of work and effort. Many are drawn away by fear, fear of change and stay in their comfort zone. In order to bring that change into your life-slow down-take time to think-reflect and then take action to change it. The willingness to change is essential. It’s your life; no-one has the power to change it but you. If you're not willing to change or change where change is needed you'll end up with the same results, and nothing or no-one can neither do it for you, make the decision for you nor make you see it. Motivate yourself to build the willingness to change, realizing that your life can be better than it is now and ever was. There's always room to improve, no matter how good your life is now. Always make room for change. Ultimately, whether your life goes right or left, up or down depends on you. You alone are responsible for your life choices. Remember, the change you seek is at your reach, within you--once you take the full responsibility you will be inspired to act and be effective. Why be a follower when you can be a leader? Live your life, and live it to your fullest potential with conviction, enthusiasm, confidence, eagerness, devotion, and passion--most importantly, have a willing heart and an open mind to consider new advantages--give yourself a chance to be exposed to new experiences. Take advantage of this lifetime that is filled with new challenges, opportunities and endless possibilities--eagerly waiting for you daily. Everyday, is a new day for a better you. Change it.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Constant Prayer

For those in whom inhabit in it, how magnificent it is that you permit and/or allow us to arrive at your feet, before your throne with a sincere heart. Knowing, Beloved Father, that You do not despise a humble and contrite heart, it's like a sweet smelling aroma to you--thank you for giving us the free will to choose among the good and evil, for the elect to love you without any pressure, restraints and without being obligated to, but only because we know how you are so worthy to be praised and worshiped. Thank you Father for you are good, your mercy is everlasting, and your grace is sufficient; in spite of our failures and our weaknesses, and in spite of being in human form you've given us control to conquer all that is good and all that is evil. This, without hesitation, receives all the adoration, all the honor and all the praise from the heavens to the earths. In your hands, we entrust each and every day--starting with our health, our family, our friendships, our home, our work, our finances, our every movement. Let your will be done in each and every one of us, Holy Father, because we cannot be in better hands other than yours. Thank you for permitting our hands, hearts, technology, and fixed minds to help collaborate with whom we may come in contact with, connect with that may need our help through your Holy Spirit. You give us the serenity to accept what we cannot change, wisdom and intelligence to resolve, to endure any and all difficulties, and the love you've installed in us, your divine mercy to share with others as you have shared with us. Send angels to surround us, our families, loved ones, and those of whom we have yet to make contact with--the world, bless us to the point our cup runneth over and have no room to receive, which will give us the ability to give more and more as the vessels you've molded us to be, and still--in Jesus name we ask this of you....Amen, Amen and Amen.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Criminal Hearts

Not how I wanted it to be, because I wanted, needed you here with me. Nothing left to say, nothing more to do but to turn away from you, love. 
Hope not to see you soon--such a hard habit to break--felt dismayed, struggling to keep from walking astray, only to get betrayed, by the one who once lead me on my way, to Him. 
Untamed, ruthless behavior, countless memories to savor. 
What love is this that nearly left me lifeless, mislead the dream held in our hands of an imperfectly perfect perpetual bliss to be dismissed into the abyss of everything scattered, shattered. 
Crushed--under a moment, underneath a moonlight, the starry skies, couldn't be brighter, more clearer than crystal clear, all with a perfect sneer. Explicit fluid inferred, fearless with intentional motive one could not deny, my dear.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Force Field

As we seek deeper with a spirit of gratitude for the little miracles that take place in our lives we'll come to appreciate them most when we accept not everything will be as perfect as we intend them to be. Every aspect in our lives, as presented, are presented with knowing it's all for a reason and all for a cause, and doing so with a great attitude. At some point we must understand that not everything is going to turn out as perfect as we had expected or how we had previously planned. Perhaps we should give some light, more consideration to the darkest, unpleasant moments that occur in our lives to appreciate the most pleasant ones with more thanksgiving and gratefulness. Even the darkest times have a meaning and a significance to learn us a few things about life. Sometimes the adversities are what gives us that extra forceful push of persistence, and perseverance to make it to the next level of awareness with an understanding and acceptance. In the mean time these energies are reinforcing, realigning and bringing back the balance throughout your life, allowing and drawing those energies back to you to play their part. Making every effort without reservation to receive what our universe has laid out for us, the wonders of Gods magnificent plan for our lives. This is what we then call creating our force field with abundance, harmony and unity--as one with God and the universe. Powerful. No-one can nor has the power to corrupt these forces but you. Taking the good with the bad, and breaking away from whatever or whomever blocks your flow of good vibrations and flow to manifest over into and out of your life. When you are more eager to learn and seek more awareness, spiritual harmony, positive vibrations, abundant joy, balance with great pleasure all will flow and find you. Creating an overflowing abundance and balance for your life under all conditions regardless of what life may throw your way or what your current status may be, against all odds, taking all risks. Don't block your chances, your purpose, your love from reaching you and reaching out to others. When we fall short of grace that is freely given to us, when we cut ourselves short, all we do is delay the process, and waste time in getting the desired results we so eagerly seek for which are meant for us to possess. Be open, be patient, be willing, be aware, and be love with expectation. Let us receive the abundance of truth, love and light; for these are the miracles, forces of life. Be the flow, electricity, a magnet in your current stream. Be a force field. Know what is good and acceptable unto you, and that all will come to you and find you in time, an appointed time.

I Shall Forget...

I shall forget the moment I first laid with you; we talked, and...

I shall forget who you presented me with; someone I thought I knew...for just a few.

I shall forget the day when we left Bay; a day I may find it hard to forget to say, the least..

I shall forget the song that played on that day; I surrender...to you.

I shall forget all the days we met, over and over again...

I shall forget the tenderness of our lips, don't know that I'll ever forget.

I shall forget when you gazed into my eyes and cried...thought it was so-real.

I shall forget how connected our souls entwined...dancing to one beat.

I shall forget as we could careless if the whole world was against us; yet we were all we needed.

I shall forget all the times we said we couldn't live without each other; and we are.

I shall forget the first day I welcomed you home; my heart was filled with joy, so much joy.

I shall forget when we would go to a place you'd call home; family was so pleasant.

I shall forget the drives we took; always listening to our favorite tunes--so adventurous. 

I shall forget the full moon that shined on our skin, the glow in our eyes; perfect moments.

I shall forget our private spot; swimming in our own pool of love--the ocean belonged to us.

I shall forget it all because to remember is all the more difficult; the pain is unbearable, almost.

I shall forget why I fell in deep, because the truth revealed the unknown, the unreal: I was beat.

I shall forget what we believed to be heaven sent; "I love you, because I need you in my life."

I shall forget what seemed so right; was so wrongfully mislead.

I shall forget I thought I was the one, thought you were the one; we were one.

I shall forget.....the rising sun; I could go on and on....

Monday, December 29, 2014

My Life, My Philosophy: His Grace.

If and when you make the decision to have or no longer have someone or something a part of your life, or make the choice to never associate with certain people or depart from certain things and/or situations, because it no longer serves you purpose, and/or is of no value but a hindrance, (and, not that you owe anyone an explanation nor have to prove yourself, 'cause clearly you don't, if they still remain in your life.) however; it all comes down to reason, values, morals, self dignity, self worth, standards, and first and foremost there's self love and self respect, and of course, with the exception of always giving extended love and respect towards others. We all deserve to be understood, a chance, and mostly we all deserve to be loved and cared for. It's a decision and a choice one makes, NO ONE else, but, that one person. This is your life, nothing or no-one can enter it, be a part of it, have an effect, an influence, and/or an impact unless you allow it. Everyone who enters your life enters with reason, purpose, and sometimes simply for a lesson, which one should proudly accept, moving forward. But, when it's time to give, give, and when time is up, it's up, and only you can be the judge of that, ultimately. Don't be so hard on yourself and/or on others.

Effort, I'm a strong believer in effort. Builder of people, it's what I do, it's what I believe in, and what I breathe; it's a God given gift which I obtain, and live by---always have, always will. I may be down at times, my world in full turmoil or in full force chaos, however, it will never limit me in being a supporter, an encourager of people, an inspiration, a motivator for others in helping build their dreams and fulfill their goals. I don't look for love, true love finds me, and I welcome it, cherish it, hold onto it and definitely fight for it, because no love is ever wasted love. Love is love, and we all love differently; love feels good, as it should, but sometimes it hurts, and that's okay too, however, most importantly, love is patient, it's kind, and love sometimes takes time: love is worth the effort. This world has plenty of critics, and not enough encouragers, encouragers of love and life.

You cannot give me what already belongs to me, it's mine--exactly how God intended it to be. It's not what others may think or say, no, it's what God says that counts, and I solely and utterly trust in that. This here is my illustration, the book I go by, if this here finds you well, wonderful, my mission was accomplished, and if  it offends you in any way shape or form, if this here at all makes you a tad bit uncomfortable, with all due respect, that's your problem, not mine and I will never apologize for it--mission accomplished. Sometimes the truth is very blunt, harsh, it's unjustifiable, it stands alone--it's the truth; I live for, live by it unapologetically. Be a lover of people, a lover of life--love with compassion: love yourself.

(Remember, it's not always about you.) At what point do you stop love? You don't: Love knows no end.

God bless, may the love of Christ exalt you and yours, always. #GodsPeaceBeWithYou. #ThankYou2014 #Welcome2015